The World's Lamest Way to Ruin Your Cell Phone

Since I am a gigantic dork, I have one of those new super tiny cell phones that all the college kids have been raving about. It's like 2 inches long and the faceplate slides up and down like some sort of Star Trek stun gun (not that I have any time to watch Star Trek - I'm too busy BEING AWESOME!). So, yeah, my phone is tiny.

So last night, I'm sitting at my friends house drinking some crusty Mexican malt liquor drink called "Mojito". It tastes like an ethnic Sparks - or if you're not familiar with that atrocity - like a Smirnoff Ice. I started drinking the drink from the bottle, but when I noticed there was rusty mud around the lip of the bottle, I decided it would be smart to pour it into a glass. Nothing worse than catching lip-AIDS from a Mexican whore when you haven't even left America.

So, I'm sitting there with my drink in one hand and my phone in the other, when my brain makes a toaster-oven-esque "ding" noise accompanied by a strong visual of a light bulb. Awww, how sweet - an idea was being born!

I decided to show the room of people just how small my cell phone was. I balanced the phone on top of my pint glass (still filled with "Mojito") and said "look - if my phone was any smaller, it would fall into the glass!". Enter gravity. Sprinkle with stupidity. Wala! You now have a cell phone soaking up the wonderful essence of Mexican malt liquor!

I've GOT to stop being so retarded. I've simply got to.

One Vote Does Not Matter

Election time is nearing, and I just wanted to let you know that your vote absolutely does not matter. Really. It's kind of confusing, because you will see commercials with hip actors and people near guitars telling you to "Rock The Vote" and "Let Your Voice Be Heard". Even so, your vote is totally worthless and it's effect on the outcome of any election (much less a presidential one) is negligible. Even last election, when the race was "the closest ever", one vote wouldn't have mattered. 500 votes wouldn't have mattered. So, tell 499 of your friends that they are nowhere near as important as they think they are on election day.

I'm not trying to be mean - just mathematically honest. My vote doesn't mean anything either. Let's just stop kidding ourselves.

Differences Between Me and the Mars Rover

(From Reuters) On the other side of Mars, Opportunity's twin rover, Spirit, traveled nearly 86 feet Saturday, bringing its total odometer reading to more than 822 feet. But because Spirit had to maneuver around several obstacles on its journey, it made a net gain of just 72 feet toward its ultimate destination, a large depression scientists have nicknamed the "Bonneville Crater."

(From my Apartment) Back on Earth, Mark traveled nearly 86 feet on Saturday. But because Mark had to maneuver around several obstacles on journeys between the couch and the fridge, he made a net gain of 0 feet toward his final destination - a manic depression of midnight binge drinking and self loathing.