The Evolution of Man
Man has been on the planet for hundreds (some even say dozens) of years. From pre-recorded history, when man was nothing more than an ape with better table manners, to today, where man is an ape with even more enhanced table manners, the road to evolution was a rocky one at best. Today I will outline the major eras of man’s progress. And women’s.
600,000 B.C.
Two apes made passionate love and gave birth to Jeff. Instead of wondering what his own feces tasted like, Jeff pondered implications of a heliocentric universe. He also ate grasshoppers. Jeff was considered the first human.
80,000 B.C.
After 40 years of hand waving, grunting, and running in circles, two cave-friends agree to stop fucking freaking out every time they see a fire.
4,000 B.C.
Man finally defeats the dinosaurs after a grueling 30 year war. To celebrate, they enslave themselves, build pyramids for no reason, and start creating gods to explain everything they don’t understand. It was agreed that lightning came from an asshole diety in the clouds, and there was no debate.
0 A.D.
Jesus comes to earth to tell everyone that his dad is the king of all gods. In a show of true harmony, mankind decided it will no longer tolerate magicians claiming to be the son of God. They invent the wheel and the binocular in order to watch their favorite invention, the cross, in action. Around this same time, man invented murder.
1492 A.D.
Christopher Columbus invented the Internet and then bought 3 boats on Ebay from a seller with 200 positive feedback. He used the boats to discover “Indians”, which were really “Native Americans” who loved shiny rocks so much they would trade land for them (later we traded them Oklahoma for forgiveness).
1300 A.D.
The Renaissance was in full effect, and all of the sudden everyone thought they were an expert on something. Everyone started playing the violin, doing math problems, and discovering planets. When people wanted to buy cans of soda, they finally used coins instead of animal pelts. Someone discovered pi, girls pushed their boobs up, and everyone danced and ate duck and drank wine until midnight.
1861 A.D.
People realized that in the midst of all their duck, wine, and dancing, they had accidentally purchased and sold humans and forced them into servitude, often whipping them when they failed to impress. Half of the people were ashamed, the other half really liked the increased revenue of their cotton fields. They fought a huge war and the good guys one, instilling the right of every former slave the right to ride on a bus (as long as they weren’t too near the front where all the good seats were).
1939 A.D.
Hitler opened up the first HoloCostco, a massive outlet store that let you buy and burn Jews by the 24-pack case at discounted prices. This was totally unacceptable, so we enslaved the Japanese and started listening to crappy Jazz music.
2004 A.D.
I was totally fucking bored at work.
600,000 B.C.
Two apes made passionate love and gave birth to Jeff. Instead of wondering what his own feces tasted like, Jeff pondered implications of a heliocentric universe. He also ate grasshoppers. Jeff was considered the first human.
80,000 B.C.
After 40 years of hand waving, grunting, and running in circles, two cave-friends agree to stop fucking freaking out every time they see a fire.
4,000 B.C.
Man finally defeats the dinosaurs after a grueling 30 year war. To celebrate, they enslave themselves, build pyramids for no reason, and start creating gods to explain everything they don’t understand. It was agreed that lightning came from an asshole diety in the clouds, and there was no debate.
0 A.D.
Jesus comes to earth to tell everyone that his dad is the king of all gods. In a show of true harmony, mankind decided it will no longer tolerate magicians claiming to be the son of God. They invent the wheel and the binocular in order to watch their favorite invention, the cross, in action. Around this same time, man invented murder.
1492 A.D.
Christopher Columbus invented the Internet and then bought 3 boats on Ebay from a seller with 200 positive feedback. He used the boats to discover “Indians”, which were really “Native Americans” who loved shiny rocks so much they would trade land for them (later we traded them Oklahoma for forgiveness).
1300 A.D.
The Renaissance was in full effect, and all of the sudden everyone thought they were an expert on something. Everyone started playing the violin, doing math problems, and discovering planets. When people wanted to buy cans of soda, they finally used coins instead of animal pelts. Someone discovered pi, girls pushed their boobs up, and everyone danced and ate duck and drank wine until midnight.
1861 A.D.
People realized that in the midst of all their duck, wine, and dancing, they had accidentally purchased and sold humans and forced them into servitude, often whipping them when they failed to impress. Half of the people were ashamed, the other half really liked the increased revenue of their cotton fields. They fought a huge war and the good guys one, instilling the right of every former slave the right to ride on a bus (as long as they weren’t too near the front where all the good seats were).
1939 A.D.
Hitler opened up the first HoloCostco, a massive outlet store that let you buy and burn Jews by the 24-pack case at discounted prices. This was totally unacceptable, so we enslaved the Japanese and started listening to crappy Jazz music.
2004 A.D.
I was totally fucking bored at work.
posted by Comedy Mark @ 3:42 PM
0 comments
