Horse Under Arrest

This horse-creature was arrested in Santa Barbara, charged with being "simply disgusting to behold with the naked human eye."

Get Fat for Less!

We've all gone through this. You're sitting at home in front of the TV, gorging yourself on an enormous plate of assorted corn dogs and twinkies. All of the sudden, a lightbulb appears in the part of your brain that is usually thinking about pork rinds and mayonnaise. The lighbulb makes a loud "ding" noise, and then you realize aloud - "there's gotta be a cheaper way to take in seven thousand calories in a day!"

Thank god for the Corn Dog / Twinkie Fryer. As you can tell, not only can you deep fry your own hot dogs into a breaded, greasy delight, you can ALSO make your own twinkies! Who HASN'T had a delicious, chemically flavored bite of a Twinkie and wished there was a way to have an endless supply without the embarassment of taking your fat body to the store to buy more. Now you can make fatty treats from the comfort of your own filthy kitchen.

Feel free to buy one here! Thanks again to Ashley for reporting this gem to me.

Clay Aiken has no dick!

PETA, that group of people who like chickens better than Jews was thinking about running an ad campaign comparing neutered pets to a second place finisher in a singing contest. HUH? HUH?

Thanks to Ashley for pointing this out to me. I need to be on top of these things.

Why Politics Are Homo

This is my essay on why politics are homo.

I think politics are very gay. Politicians like to cheat lie and steal and are generally all around homo. Politics are stupid and are only around because if we had anarchy, there would be nobody willing to build roads or Taco Bell's.

My supporting statements are these: Once I was walking around minding my own business and I saw a politician sitting on a bench talking with another politician. (Note - politicians are easy to recognize because of the stupid ties and suits they are wearing as well as all the handshakes they use to brainwash you.) This was the conversation they had - NO LIE:

Politician 1: Hey Mr. Senate President, I have a great idea for a new bill to pass.

Mr. Senate President: Awesome Policitician 1, I've totally been wanting to pass a bill for quite some time. What do you have in mind?

Politician 1: It is a new tax that everyone will have to pay - and the rad thing about this tax is... all the money goes straight into our pockets!

Mr. Senate President: I am totally in favor of this new bill and if anyone tries to veto it I will kick them in the nuts!

Politician: Okay perfect - I fucking love my job! Hey, what is that kid doing over there?

As you can tell, they spotted me, so I ran for my life. Regardless, you can tell from these facts that politicians are jerks and spend all of their free time sitting in huge rooms plotting ways to steal our cash. In fact, right now in a senator place near you, hundreds of senators are in a room saying "All in favor of taking a bunch of cash from people, please raise your gold pencils!" And I bet you can figure out who paid for those pencils - Mr. and Mrs. Johnny Q Taxpayerperson (us!).

Some people say politicians are a necesary evil like Hitler, but I say they are liars. While sometimes politicians may do cool stuff like pass a bill to buy 300 new fighter jets, most of the time they are fucking shit up big time. They think the shiny new jets are going to make me forget about all the money they took from my bank account. Well, they can think again - and not on MY time - they can tax THIS - I am getting off topic.

Some of my friends said this: "aren't you afraid that if you write a mean essay about politicians that they will chase you down?" My answer is a super loud "YES!" Right now I know some Senators are passing a huge law probably that will make it illegal for me to breathe. They will say "every time he breathes he is taxed 22 bucks", hoping that I will suffocate. HOWEVER - they can tax me all they want - I will not die!

This is the end of my essay.

Fighter Jets

This is my essay about fighter jets.

Fighter jets are very importand and cool because of several things. The first thing is that fighter jets can fly. This may seem obvious but it is also important because if they cannot fly then they aren't jets at all. Secondly fighter jets have missles and/or bombs attached to them. The bombs are made to drop on villages of people who do not expect them. They are good for suprise attack on people from countries who are acting up or smart-mouthing jet pilots. Jet pilots hate it when you smart mouth them, and this is usually when they say "OK FORGET IT JERKS" and drop all their bombs.

Which leads me to missles. Missles are not for dropping on villages, but for launching at jerks in other jets who are being complete idiots. The best way to think of a missle is to think of a bomb that falls forward not down. Once in history, there was a jet pilot who was flying around and doing loops. Another jet pilot came into the area and said this on his radio: "10 4 command this is alpha alpha you are in restricted airspace - stop doing loopty loops!" The first pilot got so mad that he launched 11 missles at the other pilot. Then he gave a thumbs up to the camera man - true story. This is a perfect example of how to use missles.

All the good jets these days don't use propellers anymore. In the old days before the SImpsons, jets used propellers to make them shoot into the sky and do loops. Propellers were super dumb because the jets could only go like 4 miles an hour. Back in these times, people would paint sharks and crap on their jets to hide the fact that they were not scary. At all.

The fastest jets made today can break the sound barrier. It's hard to explain with words, but basically once you fly past the sound barrier, you are going so fast that your jet makes no noises because the noises are going back in time. This makes sonic booms that people in past times are hearing today. For example, right now in the 80's people are hearing "BOOM BOOM" from jets doing loops today. It's too confusing for you to think like this, so I will conclude my paper.

This is my conclusion. Jets are (1) fast as hell, (2) have bombs AND missles, and (3) are all around awesome. I recommend for everyone today to start to like jets as much as me.