The History of Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was born in 1553 in Lincoln Nebraska. As a child, he would chop down cherry trees and wear top hats. At age five, he became both a beard aficionado and tall. His hobbies included theatre and reading history (he was a huge Civil War enthusiast).

Lincoln played basketball for the Knicks for three seasons until the league suspended him on suspected growth hormone use. His wife, the Statue of Liberty, eventually left him, as he became “to tall, even for my tastes.” He was a towering man, almost seventeen thousand feet tall. Lincoln’s appetite became immense - often consuming three to four small children a day.

On the prodding of his therapist, Lincoln eventually quit sports and decided to become President of the United States of America. This road was long, but also boring, so we will skip it. Lincoln became President.

During his kingship, Lincoln's monstrous proportions became a mounting spectacle. Children no longer curbed his appetite, and eventually his diet consisted of cement trucks and steel girders. The formalities of the presidency no longer amused him, forcing him to convince America to wage war on itself. At the end of the war, Lincoln said he was rooting for the winner the whole time, and told slaves that they were now free to make 2 cents an hour and build their own drinking fountains.

The final years of his Presidency were spent in an alcoholic rage. Lincoln had become a monster of epic proportions and his language skills had degraded into a series of growls and clawing gestures. His therapist told him to renew his love for the theatre as a last ditch effort to regain his civility. Lincoln watched part of a play and then some asshole shot him in the face.