Saying Nice Things about Modesto
If you’re a hotel or a job recruiter based in Modesto, there’s no way around it – you have to choose your words carefully to attract people to your business. I’ve searched the Internet high and low (for about 20 minutes) to find some of the finest examples of Modesto ass-kissing. Enjoy!
Red Lion Hotel
Only 85 miles from cosmopolitan San Francisco, discover the rural beauty of Central California.
I don’t think “only 85 miles” can technically qualify as a phrase. It’s like saying “I’m only 92 years old” or “I only spent $750 on groceries”. Numbers that come after the word “only” are supposed to be small. Why would I go on vacation only to still be 2 hours away when I get there. Math people. And when I think of rural beauty, I think of rolling green hills in Denmark, not shit-stained acres of some farmers malnourished cattle ranch.
Gallo Winery online job recruiting
Modesto is host to many community and cultural events throughout the year including "Concerts in the Park," International Festivals as well as being home to a minor league affiliate of the Oakland A's, the Modesto A's baseball club.
“Concerts in the Park” are possibly the least cultural event you could ever attend. Sitting on a blanket and watching a bunch of white people play violins while seven hundred teenagers smoke weed in the public restroom is as cultural as lighting your farts on fire. The only international festival occurs on Cinco De Mayo, when everyone with the last name Sanchez goes to the Modesto Reservoir to drink malt liquor.
Vagabond Inn
Vagabond Inn Modesto is conveniently located near Highway 99, Downtown Modesto and Modesto Junior College. Nearby attractions include the Blue Diamond Almond Factory and the McHenry Mansion and Museum. The Hershey chocolate plant is only a short drive away. For your convenience, there is a Denny's restaurant located on the premises. If you are conducting business, there are meeting facilities to accommodate groups of up to 25 people (theater style).
Let’s see – I can see what it looks like when a machine fills a can with almonds? No thanks. I can walk around in a 4 bedroom “mansion”? No thanks. I can see what it looks like when chocolate is wrapped in foil? No thanks. Wait – you say there is a Denny’s restaurant on the premises?!!! SEE YOU TONIGHT!
Econo Lodge
Walking distance to shops and restaurants. Close to downtown. Home of American Graffiti.
I award this one the Gold Medal of Brutal Honesty. No sugar coating here. The hotel is close to stores, and once someone shot a movie within the city limits. Take it or leave it.
Howard Johnson Inn
Attractions: * Yosemite National Park * San Francisco * Hershey's Chocolate Factory * Gallo Winery * Sacramento (State Capitol) * Delicato Vineyards (Wine Tasting) * Convention Center * Major Shopping Center * Turlock Fairgrounds * Valley's largest Flea Market (weekends only).
Everything on this list is either 2 hours away or gay.
Quality Inn
Conveniently located off Highway 99 at Briggsmore exit. Close to many fine restaurants and shopping. Just 90 minutes to San Francisco, Sacramento, Fresno and Yosemite National Park.
I happen to know that the only restaurant in this vicinity is an Arby’s – the one that smells like urine. I also like how their selling point is that they are close to a freeway for easy escape.
Doubletree Hotel
What will you choose? Will you choose the soft powder of the ski slopes, the serenity of the coast, or the majestic views of Yosemite National Park? Why choose, when at the DoubleTree Hotel Modesto, you can have it all? The DoubleTree Hotel Modesto is located in the heart of beautiful downtown Modesto, just off Highway 99. You will be able to sample everything California has to offer from any of our 258 spacious guestrooms or six elegant suites. Getting here is easy! We are just ten minutes from the Modesto Airport, one hour south of Sacramento, or one and one-half hours east of San Francisco. Once you're here you can choose to snuggle into our warm, welcoming atmosphere and enjoy the superb shopping, a wide variety of restaurant choices, and many entertainment options within the distance of an evening stroll. Venture out to the California adventure of your dreams, all within a two-hour drive.
Oh my LORD! Talk about deceiving. I bet my parents read something like this when they moved ACROSS COUNTRY to Modesto in their late 20s. The only purpose of the Doubletree hotel is to give national news reporters a place to stay during the annual high profile murder case.
Days Inn
The Modesto-Day Inn is located at the Gateway to Yosemite National Park. Many local attractions are located nearby: dairys, the Blue Diamond Almond Factory, Hershey Chocolate Factory, Mother Lode, Delicato Winery, McHenry Mansion and Museum, Franzia Winery and St. Stans Microbrewery. This Days Inn also has a full-service restaurant.
Husband: Honey, we’re going to Modesto for vacation this year.
Wife: Oh sugar, I love you!
Husband: That’s not all – we’re taking a tour of the Franzia Winery.
Wife: Really?! I’ve always wanted to see how they bottle wine!
Husband: Box, honey. Box.
Red Lion Hotel
Only 85 miles from cosmopolitan San Francisco, discover the rural beauty of Central California.
I don’t think “only 85 miles” can technically qualify as a phrase. It’s like saying “I’m only 92 years old” or “I only spent $750 on groceries”. Numbers that come after the word “only” are supposed to be small. Why would I go on vacation only to still be 2 hours away when I get there. Math people. And when I think of rural beauty, I think of rolling green hills in Denmark, not shit-stained acres of some farmers malnourished cattle ranch.
Gallo Winery online job recruiting
Modesto is host to many community and cultural events throughout the year including "Concerts in the Park," International Festivals as well as being home to a minor league affiliate of the Oakland A's, the Modesto A's baseball club.
“Concerts in the Park” are possibly the least cultural event you could ever attend. Sitting on a blanket and watching a bunch of white people play violins while seven hundred teenagers smoke weed in the public restroom is as cultural as lighting your farts on fire. The only international festival occurs on Cinco De Mayo, when everyone with the last name Sanchez goes to the Modesto Reservoir to drink malt liquor.
Vagabond Inn
Vagabond Inn Modesto is conveniently located near Highway 99, Downtown Modesto and Modesto Junior College. Nearby attractions include the Blue Diamond Almond Factory and the McHenry Mansion and Museum. The Hershey chocolate plant is only a short drive away. For your convenience, there is a Denny's restaurant located on the premises. If you are conducting business, there are meeting facilities to accommodate groups of up to 25 people (theater style).
Let’s see – I can see what it looks like when a machine fills a can with almonds? No thanks. I can walk around in a 4 bedroom “mansion”? No thanks. I can see what it looks like when chocolate is wrapped in foil? No thanks. Wait – you say there is a Denny’s restaurant on the premises?!!! SEE YOU TONIGHT!
Econo Lodge
Walking distance to shops and restaurants. Close to downtown. Home of American Graffiti.
I award this one the Gold Medal of Brutal Honesty. No sugar coating here. The hotel is close to stores, and once someone shot a movie within the city limits. Take it or leave it.
Howard Johnson Inn
Attractions: * Yosemite National Park * San Francisco * Hershey's Chocolate Factory * Gallo Winery * Sacramento (State Capitol) * Delicato Vineyards (Wine Tasting) * Convention Center * Major Shopping Center * Turlock Fairgrounds * Valley's largest Flea Market (weekends only).
Everything on this list is either 2 hours away or gay.
Quality Inn
Conveniently located off Highway 99 at Briggsmore exit. Close to many fine restaurants and shopping. Just 90 minutes to San Francisco, Sacramento, Fresno and Yosemite National Park.
I happen to know that the only restaurant in this vicinity is an Arby’s – the one that smells like urine. I also like how their selling point is that they are close to a freeway for easy escape.
Doubletree Hotel
What will you choose? Will you choose the soft powder of the ski slopes, the serenity of the coast, or the majestic views of Yosemite National Park? Why choose, when at the DoubleTree Hotel Modesto, you can have it all? The DoubleTree Hotel Modesto is located in the heart of beautiful downtown Modesto, just off Highway 99. You will be able to sample everything California has to offer from any of our 258 spacious guestrooms or six elegant suites. Getting here is easy! We are just ten minutes from the Modesto Airport, one hour south of Sacramento, or one and one-half hours east of San Francisco. Once you're here you can choose to snuggle into our warm, welcoming atmosphere and enjoy the superb shopping, a wide variety of restaurant choices, and many entertainment options within the distance of an evening stroll. Venture out to the California adventure of your dreams, all within a two-hour drive.
Oh my LORD! Talk about deceiving. I bet my parents read something like this when they moved ACROSS COUNTRY to Modesto in their late 20s. The only purpose of the Doubletree hotel is to give national news reporters a place to stay during the annual high profile murder case.
Days Inn
The Modesto-Day Inn is located at the Gateway to Yosemite National Park. Many local attractions are located nearby: dairys, the Blue Diamond Almond Factory, Hershey Chocolate Factory, Mother Lode, Delicato Winery, McHenry Mansion and Museum, Franzia Winery and St. Stans Microbrewery. This Days Inn also has a full-service restaurant.
Husband: Honey, we’re going to Modesto for vacation this year.
Wife: Oh sugar, I love you!
Husband: That’s not all – we’re taking a tour of the Franzia Winery.
Wife: Really?! I’ve always wanted to see how they bottle wine!
Husband: Box, honey. Box.
posted by Comedy Mark @ 1:48 PM
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